Broma de Porcinas

So Vikingo was feeling a little cramped up from the quarantine, so he rang up Deputy William Fresquez at Rio Arriba Co Sheriff's Office to see if he could go for a ride-along into Chamita, Ojo Caliente, El Rito and back.

"Sure thing, Chad...you could use a break from the citizen abuse that Southeast Command doles out to you..come on up.  You can take the blue bus with my sister when she gets off work as the plaza fluffer.  You know.  She fluffs hotel pillows, fluffs up the bancos at the Cowgirl...and if there's a wistful tourist or two that wants to be an extra in a film shoot nearby...well..she's more than happy to fluff their boudoires and bloomers that the guys and gals wear.  She has no particular affinity to either gender.  She's a trysexual, ya know..". Deputy Fresquez loves giving his sister Vasa any plug he can.  In fact, he, too, will try just about anything to keep his sister so...so...well.  'Fresh' would be killing the song...how bout Vasa de Deliciosqez Fresques?  Must be something in the water up there.  Ahem.

So Chad catches the train and arrives in Santa Fe only to find out that the bus is full and there's only one seat left, so he challenges Vaso to paper, rock, and scissors.  Except to let Vaso win, he tells her to use both fists instead of one.  

Confudida esta Hermana de Deputy Brilliants, she take on the challenges but remembers not to hurt her hands for her fluff job the next day when the Chippendale pole dancers arrive to practice their new slide routine at the rear entrance to the basilica playground.

So Vaso is determined the flat palms in a paper style will be best.

While he's patiently waiting for Vasa to decide..he pulls out a sheep shears, a pinking shears, a pube trimming shears, a lopping shears and his favorite in his collection:. The Lorena Bobbit bobbing for Dognutz snips that he lends out to the rabbi at chabaz temple for the Saturday circumcision roullete night.

"Paper is good.  Ready? "

After 3 tries, Chad couldn't contain his laughter any longer so he gave Vasa some rock that she could slip behind her ear and take some home to her brother.

Now William ain't the brightest highbeam in a deer crossing, either.  To get him out of third grade the superintendent of McCurdy elementary decided the only way young Billy is gonna get past third grade was to burn the schoolhouse down.  Good thing Vasa was quick thinking as big sister cuz she not only blew the flames out on burning Billy, but she grabbed some Vaseline and started fluffing the tiny little scorch Billy got on his...Well...let's just say that after an hour in the burn unit..Billy's owchiwawa was about to change his religion too, but Vasa was quick with the topical.

They practiced that drill so many times that they both wore coke bottle glasses and grew hair on their palms.  But the Fresquez family is hirsute to begin with.  When Vasa's fiance handed her a straight razor and offered to make it so that she had two eyebrows instead of one...Vasa told him to back off cuz she already shaved the top one off and she's not about to go through life with two again...

So anyways, Chad hitchikes to Espanola and flags down a New Mexico State Police unit rounding the bend at the Pojoaque bridge and he's gonna get spanked by tribal for going 37mph in a 35 zone.  So Chad bribes tribal officers with some dried fish and a loaf of bread that he pulled from thin air and told officers he'd be back with more so that the Pueblo of pop. 5000 can enjoy the rest.

With that, Lt.Villa is eternally grateful and offers Chad the driver's seat to take him the rest of the way.  Victor needed to check his eyelids for pinholes.  Chad needed to check himself for skid marks cuz he let a little lump out when he slipped a ruphie in the lieutenants coffee that Chad bought for him at the Sports Bar.

This was gonna be what is certain to be a-a-a-ha-ha-a-ee-ah-hafternoon...afternoon delight!

When Lt. Villa awoke, he found his uniform was neatly folded and placed upon the dashboard.  But it was odd because he also was having deja vu back to September 3, 2011 when he told his sister not to come NMSP officer makes a hood ornament on the state cruiser...talk about black smoke.

But now it is him that has shoe polish on his face and lipstick on his mouth and cheeks...and..and on his little man downstairs!  And there's a ring of brown on his pinga along with a red ring around the benwa ball holster...that he can only count one Ben wa ball must mean that the other one is still...still..

AAAAAH!and his favorite teddy that was under the spare tire...not only did some evil man rifle through the rifles, but he got ahold of his favorite neglige that he wore for junior high prom and tore it so it would fit.  Boy did Victor get conflicted.  Secrets out.  Dash cam caught everything and wouldn't you believe this happened behind the Dreamcatcher cinema as the digitally remastered classic of Disney's Bambi Gets His Gender Misidentification Disorder Cured lets out the rear entrance doors only to find Lt.Victor with a soiled teddy and what looks like black face from using his shoe polish for lube and hair gel.  

"I wonder if I'm pregnant," he ponders in his pile..."Oh little girl, won't you sit with me a while? I must confess, that there is a quick test, to see if there's the imacucococoncepcion..the thermometer red or the thermometer blue..distinguished not by color, but by taste, mind you...if I stick one here and you shove one up there, nare the twixt shall meet in the middle..by my navel somewhere.  With some lemon and copper and some Taser to boot, we can get this little monster a good start out my poop chute.  I should curse that Vikingo, for putting me here...but to carry his child to full term is what I fear.  Cuz it won't be thirty eight weeks til I start a flexin..by my next meal I'll give birth to a Texan.  All swirled up in white frothy leche de seco I can feel, this baby batter nutty buddy bar is sure to make me squeal.

Like a pig, a little girl, like an alien. Siguorney Weaver shares my pain in those gutteral ordeals."

"Where oh where are you tonight?  Why did you leave me here all alone?  I searched the State over and thought I found true love..you left me for Fresquez and ppppphft you was gone!!"

"Don't cry for me, ardent Waweenah".the little dingo-girl that was led by the leash of her Australian Shepherd, cried out "I know what you can name the little girl when she slides right into a cocktail napkin at the Delta later"...

"And what gift are you going to bring me by naming this child?”VV says in a most defeated tone.

"Pure gold, Sir...". Unto us a child is born and forever will her name be 

Black Speedo.

Stay afloat for the rest of Vikingo's journey del Norte.  Have a good one folks!